I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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