i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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