2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
