bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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