I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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