I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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