I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
