please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
