I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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