Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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