Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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