I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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