New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
