Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
