remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
