"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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