My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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