someone threw a dead crab at me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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