It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
