Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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