Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
