I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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