TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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