the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
