You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you didnt know i had herpes?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
