hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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