I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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