We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
