I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
