People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
