Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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