Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
