dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
