he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
