I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
