My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
