My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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