just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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