There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
