YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
