my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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