Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
please come you make the beer taste better
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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