I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The best revenge is premature balding
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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