First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
