so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Duck Duck Cougar?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
