If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
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