all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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