my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
