Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
