I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
