i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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