i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
