Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
