he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
no more duck duck goose at the bar
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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