I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
