i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
